Monday, June 19, 2006

Family Basics 3 - Vision and Priorities

We all have visions in our lives, whether we know it or not. Do you need some examples?

  • I will do everything I can to get that next promotion. Your vision = the promotion
  • I need to work some overtime to help pay the bills again this month. Your vision = to pay the bills on time
  • I want to be a better dad than my dad was. Your vision = to be a better parent
  • Mom and Dad said I have to get a job before I can get a car. Your vision = to buy a car

We have visions for our kids. These are evidenced by how we talk about them everyday.

  • Johnny will make a great baseball player one day.
  • Susie has a great singing voice.
  • My kids won’t behave like that.

We have visions for our families. Our daily routines and activities are signs as to what those visions are.

  • Yeah, I have to work late again. I’ll spend time with you and the kids on Saturday.
  • It’s rainy and foggy today. Let’s just sleep in instead of going to church.
  • No, I can’t schedule those meetings on Thursday nights. That is my night at home.
  • Don’t forget to bath the kids and iron clothes. We want to be on-time for Sunday school in the morning.

In his book Visioneering, author and pastor Andy Stanley shares his heart with parents.

Moms, Dads, we are the premier visioncasters. We must paint a vividly clear picture in the minds and hearts of our children of what they can become in their character, conduct, and even their careers. We must pour into their spongelike souls a vision of what they could accomplish with
their lives… We must ask God to give us a clear vision for our children and cast it every opportunity we get.

Part of the buildup to these statements involves his declaration that we all cast vision for the people around us. Every word we say, every comment we make, is a positive or negative deposit into that person’s self-image. “So in a way, we are all visioncasters. Every relationship is a potential visioncasting opportunity.” We must understand that we are, in one way or another, casting vision for ourselves, our family, our marriage, our children, with every decision that we make. We do it with every statement that comes out of our mouths.

Now, honestly, I do not really know you. I cannot say what God is doing in you, or your family, or your children, or your workplace. But He is doing, or wants to do, something. So allow me to give you a picture of priorities that you may have heard a hundred times before. But I want you to write it in the flap of your Bible, or in your Palm Pilot, on a scrap of paper you can tuck into the frame of your mirror. Remind yourself of these priorities, not changing the order because there is no other order for them. If you keep this mind at each turn, your decision-making process will become easier, and so your visioncasting will start to take a biblical shape.

My priorities in life are:

  • God

    God spoke to Moses, “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt where you were slaves. You must not have any other gods except me” (Exodus 20:2-3, NCV). In an effort to trick Jesus, teachers of the Law came and asked Him which were the greatest commandments? Jesus answered, “The most important command is this: ‘Listen, people of Israel! The Lord our God is the only Lord. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength’” (Mark 12:29-30, NCV).
    Each and every one of us must know Him, truly know Him for ourselves. And He must be the first priority in our lives.

    Well, I love my family, and I don’t think God will look down on me when I choose to be with them instead of going to church. Do you know how Paul would respond to that? “Fools – what has bewitched you?”
    God said no other gods except Him. Anything placed above Him is a god sitting in His rightful place. And that is idolatry.

    This is point 1 out of 5. It’s a lot plainer on paper. Anything above God in your list is out of place.

  • Family

    That said, God gave you a family. Maybe your not married; you have parents, grandparents, brothers or sisters, don’t you? He put us in a family for a reason.

    We cannot survive this life alone. I know I couldn’t do it alone. I could not even be a parent all by myself. But do you remember something said in an earlier posting about love? Deep within us we want both to love and to be loved. We are made to love. Other than in God, where can you find love outside of a family? True love. Remember, this is love without condition and love without measure.

    God deserves first place. But our family must take second chair. To put anything in its place is to fail in loving without condition and without measure.

  • Work

    So someone out there has to be thinking, But, man, I need to provide for my family. I have firsthand knowledge of what is like to be with my family, out of work and struggling to pay the bills. I also know what it is like to work like a dog, seemingly non-stop, and still not have the bills paid. Jesus asked whether it was good to gain the whole world and lose your own soul. I ask, is it good to gain the whole world and lost your family?

    Do you need that Toyota Land Cruiser? Won’t a Kia Sportage do? Do you need a 25 room house, hire a maid to clean it, and landscapers to mow and trim the hedges? What about a bungalow? Why not have your two sons share a room for a while – they’ll have to do it in college anyway.

    What are you working for? Did you lose your family because you weren’t home enough, so the kids got attached to the youth pastor instead of you? Or were you so concerned about keeping up a certain style of living that you started three businesses out of your home that keep you wrapped up all weekend and all summer that the whole family missed out on being a family?

  • Ministry

    Well, you must have heard by now that God has given you talents and abilities. If you haven’t, He did. You probably know what they are; teaching (or training), singing or other forms of music, being gracious, having a home people feel welcome and invited in. These are just a few examples.

    But God did not give you your abilities and talents to make you rich. He called you to be part of a Body. You were planted in your church for a purpose, not to keep a pew warm. You cannot eliminate the local body of Christ from your priorities. To do is to neglect God’s greater purpose for your life.

  • Myself

    Well, if you are concerned that you got the short end of the deal here, that you to have yourself last before everybody else, I hate to tell you but you missed a lot. And that’s not your fault. That is way this priority list has been communicated for years. Still, think about you have gained by putting your priorities in this order.

    You have a relationship with the living God who created the universe, and made you special and for His own. In doing so, you have eternal life with the only One that can give that to you.

    You also have surrounded yourself with a family that you love and returns that love to you. You have companionship and intimacy with a spouse you are committed to. You have a legacy, a trophy of sorts, in your children.

    You have a position in a workplace that not only helps you pay the bills, but that, because of your previous priorities, you are salt and light in. You stand out because you go home at night to be with your family. You shine because you have the Spirit of God in you. You find accomplishment in putting your hands, your mind, towards completing something, even if it is for someone else.

    And you have greater fulfillment in being part of a larger cause, the Church of Christ. You see souls saved, discipled, and stepping out on their own in Christ. You worship, you study the Word, and you know that you have others to support you in the Body.

    Now, take time for yourself. Recharge, rest, grow, relax. No one is telling you cannot do those things. But find a way to take emotional and spiritual “power naps.” Don’t lose out on the rest of the blessings waiting for you because you need a “break.”

posted by pchrismac @ 4:19 PM 0 comments

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Family Basics 2 - Build Up

As parents we have a role to play in the lives of our children. It is not only to feed, clothe, and put a roof over their heads. We are to prepare them for the future. We give them today the tools that they will use in the world for themselves. In building up our children, we must understand that we are equipping them for life on their own. That life may be at school, the playground, the local grocery store, or it may be college and life beyond.

1. Education

The first part of this equipping process is education. No, I am not saying that you have to home school your children. However, parents are teachers in a different sort of school program. And, quite often, if these lessons are not learned at home, society will teach the lessons from a distorted viewpoint. Many of us are blessed to have grown up in a Christian home. Those of us that didn’t are at least working to give our kids the benefit of doing so. As believing parents, we have been directed to teach our children the things of God.

In the book of Deuteronomy, Moses is giving his farewell message to the people of Israel. He recaps the Law given them by God, His rules, regulations, and instructions for holy living. He asks the people to remember when they stood before the Lord on Mount Sinai…

“Remember the day you stood before the Lord your God at Mount Sinai. He said to me, ‘Bring the people together so I can tell them what I have to say. Then they will respect me as long as they live in the land, and they will teach these things to their children.’” (Deuteronomy 4:10, NCV)

From the beginning of Israel’s history as a nation, it was the responsibility of the parents to teach the children in spiritual matters. And the main lesson is this:
  • Right and wrong exist, and you must choose to do what is right.
Right versus wrong; this is the age-old question that has motivated discussion on everything from gambling, to television and movies, to music.

Ethics is a “hot topic” in the news these days. From marital fidelity to government spending to simply practicing what you preach, the discussion of right and wrong left the college classroom long ago. It seems the only true forum is real life, not hypothetical situations.

As parents, as Christian parents, it is our duty before God to raise our children with knowledge of right and wrong as God teaches them. That, of course, involves work on the part of the parent. But how hard is that? Go to the websites that have information on how to talk to your kids about smoking, or drugs, or sex. Find books by authors you trust on the topic. Is ten or fifteen dollars too much to spend for the sake of your child? Is feeling uncomfortable worth allowing the world, the secular school system, and friends shape your child’s viewpoint on what is right or wrong?

Protection is part of educating our children about right and wrong. So we must find ways to communicate this message to our children:
  • I love you so much that I will establish boundaries for your protection
Sometimes our children do not understand why we keep them from parties and drugs and certain people or places. They do not have to understand why. Their part is to have faith and trust in us as the parent (which we will talk about shortly). Our part is to build the fence, to plant and prune the hedge of protection. Our part is to educate, and while doing so, to point them in the direction of doing what is right.

2. Correction & Encouragement

So once we have educated our families regarding right and wrong, we have to be willing to “put our money where our mouths are.” We must consciously correct and encourage based on how our children walk in right and wrong.
Correction and encouragement can be defined as follows:
  • Correction = When you do wrong you will be disciplined
  • Encouragement = When you do right you will be rewarded
In today’s world, the pendulum effect seems to have taken over an overwhelming amount of our lives. This pendulum effect swings us completely to the left, or completely to the right. As a result, few of us find ourselves at a healthy balance. Some of us favor correction over encouragement. It is easier to point out what is wrong and try to fix that, than it is to see the good things and rejoice in them. For others the opposite is true. It is easier to reward the good things our children do than to fight the battles of what needs to be adjusted, corrected.

However, correction and encouragement educate our children in an eternal principle: You will reap what you sow. This principle is based on the justice of God. We must learn to balance correction and encouragement in order to communicate to them a proper picture of God.

You may have heard it said that if someone has been abused by their father, they have a difficulty loving and trusting in God. By the same token, those who have parents that are too disciplinarian or too merciful, will project those same tendencies towards God. This is why we have the “hellfire and brimstone” preachers who speak of God’s wrath but forget his mercy; and we have “grace” preachers who fail to encourage change in the lives of believers. Our task is to help give balance. By being balanced, we help complete the third part of this education.

3. Faith & Trust

We first teach that in every situation, in every decision we make, there is a right and wrong. We teach that we must choose to do what is right. We establish boundaries to help in making those decisions. We reward choosing to do right, and we correct after wrongs are done. In all of these acts, the teaching, the correcting and rewarding, we set up a standard. The question remains, though, Will my son/daughter choose to live to that standard?
The answer to this question depends on the levels of faith and trust between us and our children. Faith is a component that we build in our children so they can respond properly to us and our actions. Trust is built when faith is proven.

Our goal is to plant certain thought patterns in our children. Our actions determine if these patterns thrive or die. These thought patterns are:
  • I believe you love me
  • Because you love me...
    ...the boundaries you create are for my protection. Therefore, I will live within them.
    ...    you reward me for doing what is right. Therefore, I will choose what is right.
    ...you correct me for doing wrong. Therefore, I will not choose what is wrong.
  • Your love for me is a picture of God’s love for me.
That is the “clincher” right there. That is the truth that must hit home for parents in the building up of their children. The expression of your love for your children is directly related to how they picture God’s love for them. That is why these are your tasks. You cannot ask the school or the church to teach the lessons to these children. The front lines of the battle are in the home.

posted by pchrismac @ 2:29 PM 0 comments

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Family Basics 1 - Love

When we start to talk about the fundamentals of being a family, we must begin with love. A family without love is just a bunch of people living in the same house. To the world we are a family because we shame the same address. But it is in love that we find the only true bond that can bring a family together.

When it comes to love, there are two aspects we must consider.

1. Love without condition

Deep within us we want both to love and to be loved. We are made to love. Part of this is because we were made in the image of God, and Scripture tells us that “God is love” (1 John 4:8).

In most cases, each member that arrives in a family enters an atmosphere of abundant love.
Do you remember the day your son or daughter was born and you held them in your arms for the first time? For mothers, the memory of the pain of childbirth is often erased by the joy and love felt at such a moment.

I remember when my oldest was born. My reaction was probably similar to most fathers. After all, for the father, we do not have something growing inside us, kicking us through the day, squeezing our bladders. That “birth” day is sometimes the first tangible evidence for us men. We realize that life has changed in a flash. But we, too, feel that abundance of love towards the newborn. Often we feel it to the point that we don’t want to touch “it” for fear of breaking “it.” That initial outpouring of love is love without condition. I love you simply because you are. You exist; flesh of my flesh, bone of my bone, as Adam said when Eve was created.

Allow me to give you two statements that help us define and put into practice love without condition:

  • I give you all of my love so that I cannot love you more or less.

Those of us who grew up in a family with more than one child understand how easy it is to believe that Mom and Dad could have a favorite. As parents who have more than one child, we must do all we can to disprove this theory. Though it may still be felt from time to time, it is our job to show love equally to all.

Note, though, that this is not the same as showing love the same to all. I believe this is part of the trap parents fall into. We have loved one child a certain way for so long, so we love those after using the same expressions of love.

We must remember that each child is unique. We must find out what they desire as expressions of love. Dr. Gary Chapman calls this their “love language.” Each one of us is different, so we look for love differently. The key, then, is to find out what each child is looking for to show that Mom and Dad love him/her.

  • There is nothing that will stop me from loving you.

Early on, this is not so important to prove. Of course, if you fall off your bike, we still love you. If you don’t color inside the lines, we still love you. But as our children grow and mature, they will have a deep-seated need to know that whatever they do in life, they will be loved.

Now, I would be one to say that unconditional love does not equal unconditional support. We should not support everything our children do just because (A) he/she wants to do it, or (B) we feel like we have to prove our love. This is not so much love, as being a “good feelings” bank. We need to spur our children on towards good things. Parents are in a unique position to take note of and “water” the gifts and abilities of their children. When we become that “good feelings” bank, we are really shirking the responsibility we have to point our children in a direction that is good for them.

Imagine if God, because of His love for us, gave us unconditional support in everything we set out to do. He doesn’t, and He would never do so. His desire is to draw us unto Himself, to claim a pure and spotless Bride for His Son. So He corrects and challenges us, pointing us from some of the things we like to do, and towards those things we should be doing.

With that said, we must be careful not to allow correction to be hurtful. We must do everything in love, and that in obvious love. There should be no question that our children are loved despite failures, changes in direction, money or family problems, or any wrong they may take themselves into. Remember the saying, “Hate the sin, love the sinner.” And do so with deliberate intent to make your love obvious.

2. Love without measure

There are two statements that we can utilize in expressing love with measure:

  • There is no end to my love for you.
  • My love cannot be exhausted.

Sometimes this is hard to “flesh out.” After all, we have many demands that constantly pull at us, day and night, day after day after day. The key is to remember and communicate this truth: I may be exhausted, physically and/or emotionally, but my love will always continue. Even if I consider you the cause of my exhaustion, I will always love you.

Illustration: TBOC St. George

Parents and students have recently awakened to the drug epidemic in our community. So a movement has started called, Take Back Our Community. This drug issue is not just an inner-city problem, not something that follows “good kid” versus “bad kid” lines as we adults tend to see them. It is about peer-pressure; about wanting to fit in, to be accepted, to be liked, to be part of this or that group that attracts all the cute guys/girls, to be respected, to prove that “I’m no chicken,” to feel like I’m more than I feel like right now.

In one of the monthly meetings a question and answer period was provided to obtain ideas to help in this project. These ideas could be developed into programs to help increase efforts and work towards the goal of taking back the community. These projects would then be directed by the school or town or local clergy.

One parent stood and asked if there was a program or campaign the schools could use to “bombard” children, starting at the preschool level, that they are loved and important. This, of course, is a good question, but it was pointed at the wrong audience. It is not up to our schools, or even our churches, to teach our children that they are loved. My kids, deep down, aren’t interested in what the church or schools have to say if they do not feel loved and important at home.

Each of these, love without condition and love without measure, must be poured out on the members of our family.

posted by pchrismac @ 3:01 PM 1 comments